Grief. 4 years. 4 years is a long time to hold on to something that hurts so badly. 4 years is a long time to never let go. I see you in the shadows of the alleys when I walk home from work alone. I feel you in the hands that brush my skin without asking if they ever could. I hear you in the laughs of those who don\u2019t know. A pounding in my heart\u2014a void\u2014black\u2014dark\u2014gone. Loneliness. 4 years. 4 years of suffering in silence. Help is a winding road few have the ability to travel. But it’s fine\u2014I\u2019m fine. And then I\u2019m not. The moon and I are staring at each other finding a friend. Finding a light\u2014even just a shimmer on some nights\u2014brave enough to face the inevitable darkness that creeps. The stars are there too\u2014 so you\u2019re never really alone. But you shine a little brighter, fall a little harder; feel a little deeper than the rest. And that is what makes you alone, my moon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The walls. 4 years of my walls. They are strong. They haven\u2019t let me get hurt since. I reject, I cancel, I lead on, and I turn down \u2014 for me. Because my walls don\u2019t let me do otherwise. My walls do their job. No intruders. No chances taken. I am safe behind them. Nobody can touch me. Nobody will touch me. I am light on my ground. I hover a few feet above the rest. I am safe here. Safe. I am safe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Vigilance. 4 years of scanning every room I\u2019m in, every time I go out to eat, go to a party, a bar, a class I\u2019m in, a group hangout, a Facebook invite event, I look for you and your name. My dog has the same name as you, did you know that? But he fills me up with so much love, pours his heart and his little soul into me. He fills me with so much love I can\u2019t breathe. He loves me until I hurt. It hurts to love. It does. But I have come to learn that a name is only that. You are a person and he is a dog. A name is the only thing you share. Maybe your name isn\u2019t ruined for me. How can I let something that brings me so much joy share the same fate as you? I won\u2019t. I don\u2019t. I can\u2019t. Your name is not ruined. Yours belongs to you and his belongs to him. Not all things that go by your name are sour.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Mirrors. 4 years of staring back at a different person. She is strong and she is soft and she is so beautiful, yet she is wounded. But she is being stitched up. Flowers\u2014my kind lovers\u2014are growing over the broken dirt that is that night back in August. Back in 2018. Back to a time I can hardly remember anymore. The broken dirt is healing; it is being watered, nurtured, cared for\u2014loved.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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