i hate that my boundaries of beauty<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and femininity<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and self-perception<\/p>\n\n\n\n
somehow always ends up centering men<\/p>\n\n\n\n
as if i can\u2019t even claim one thing untouched<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i wish i didn\u2019t view myself through their eyes<\/p>\n\n\n\n
their shallow, narrow gaze<\/p>\n\n\n\n
like a grasp that won\u2019t let go<\/p>\n\n\n\n
no matter how many times i ask<\/p>\n\n\n\n
[redacted] i didn\u2019t want<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and hours laying there on his** chest,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
paralyzed after he kept pushing back at my no<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i cry on the drive home and question if it was me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i must have been asking for it<\/p>\n\n\n\n
after all, what did i expect?? really<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i kept it secret for years<\/p>\n\n\n\n
just one of many<\/p>\n\n\n\n
like being told that he** wanted to choke me out<\/p>\n\n\n\n
in second-period history<\/p>\n\n\n\n
or that he** wanted to fuck the shit out of me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
to some weeknd song<\/p>\n\n\n\n
before he even knew my name<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i often tell myself that others have it worse<\/p>\n\n\n\n
diminishing the way he** destroyed things<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my relationship with men<\/p>\n\n\n\n
with my body<\/p>\n\n\n\n
with any form of intimacy<\/p>\n\n\n\n
with my mental health<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i thought this was girlhood<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i convinced myself of it<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and sometimes in a sad roundabout way<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i worry that it truly is a defining factor<\/p>\n\n\n\n
for so many of us<\/p>\n\n\n\n
boys are boys<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and as a girl, you can\u2019t f*cking win<\/p>\n\n\n\n
you can play into their stereotypes,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
their notions, and their fantasies<\/p>\n\n\n\n
or can you reject them<\/p>\n\n\n\n
the ending is always the same somehow<\/p>\n\n\n\n
they always get what they want<\/p>\n\n\n\n
their vocabulary lacking \u201cno\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and as much as it hurts, if it all is my fault<\/p>\n\n\n\n
then i can make sure it doesn\u2019t happen again<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my fault i walk home alone<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my fault i took the drink<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my fault i let him say those things to me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
my fault i thought netflix meant tv<\/p>\n\n\n\n
if it is my fault, maybe i can gain control<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and sometimes i think that<\/p>\n\n\n\n
i hate myself so much,<\/p>\n\n\n\n
it feels like their empty words can fill me up<\/p>\n\n\n\n
as if the pain they cause<\/p>\n\n\n\n
somehow feels comforting and natural<\/p>\n\n\n\n
predictable in a way<\/p>\n\n\n\n
still, i long for an apology.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
one i will never get<\/p>\n\n\n\n
some say i am a masochist<\/p>\n\n\n\n
while others say i\u2019m just another 21-year-old girl<\/p>\n\n\n\n
or maybe i am a \u201ccunt,\u201d if he\u2019s** mad at me<\/p>\n\n\n\n
and i can\u2019t help but wonder<\/p>\n\n\n\n
if they all mean the same thing to men<\/p>\n\n\n\n
*I want to acknowledge that as a white, cisgender woman, my experiences are merely the beginning of what womanhood entails. The intersections of race and class further produce trauma and pain.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n **denotes multiple different male-identifying individuals throughout this poem<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n -Anonymous<\/p>\n\n\n\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" i hate that my boundaries of beauty and femininity and self-perception somehow always ends up centering men as if i can\u2019t even claim one thing untouched i wish i didn\u2019t view myself through their eyes their shallow, narrow gaze like a grasp that won\u2019t let go no matter how many times i ask [redacted] i…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":19,"featured_media":1133,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_bbp_topic_count":0,"_bbp_reply_count":0,"_bbp_total_topic_count":0,"_bbp_total_reply_count":0,"_bbp_voice_count":0,"_bbp_anonymous_reply_count":0,"_bbp_topic_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_reply_count_hidden":0,"_bbp_forum_subforum_count":0,"_kad_blocks_custom_css":"","_kad_blocks_head_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_body_custom_js":"","_kad_blocks_footer_custom_js":"","_price":"","_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_header":"","_tribe_default_ticket_provider":"","_tribe_ticket_capacity":"0","_ticket_start_date":"","_ticket_end_date":"","_tribe_ticket_show_description":"","_tribe_ticket_show_not_going":false,"_tribe_ticket_use_global_stock":"","_tribe_ticket_global_stock_level":"","_global_stock_mode":"","_global_stock_cap":"","_tribe_rsvp_for_event":"","_tribe_ticket_going_count":"","_tribe_ticket_not_going_count":"","_tribe_tickets_list":"[]","_tribe_ticket_has_attendee_info_fields":false,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[35],"tags":[205,204,99],"audience":[74],"resource-type":[206],"class_list":["post-1132","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-sexual-vilonece","tag-creative-writing","tag-poem","tag-survivor-story","audience-survivors","resource-type-submissions"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n